Introduction to BDSM terminology, safety and toys

This guide is to help beginners get a taste of BDSM terminology, safety steps and general things to be considered before entering into a scene. It can be incredibly exciting, yet daunting trying to dip your toes into this world if you’re not sure where to start. This blog will give you a basic understanding of the fundamentals, and well as descriptions of some common bondage gear.

Introduction to BDSM

BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominant and Submissive (DS) and Sadism and Masochism (SM). There is always a dominant and submissive in a BDSM relationship. The intensity to the amount of pain you choose to incorporate into your scenes is completely up to you, there are no wrong answers. The most important thing to keep in mind is that BDSM should always be sane, safe and consensual. The more communication you have about limits and desires with your respective play partners, the better the experience will be. Always remember that submission is earned, and there should never be any assumptions made of someone else. With all the slapping, name-calling and restraining, trust is an absolutely essential component. Playing with someone else in this manner is an erotic exchange of power, not imbalance. The Submissive’s desires and boundaries should always be respected by the Dominant and negotiated prior to play.

Importance of Safe Words

Safe words must always be discussed and agreed upon before playing with pain. There may be times when a scene is being carried too far and the Submissive will need to end it quickly. If your senses are already on the brink of being overwhelmed, it may be hard to articulate your thoughts. Discuss a safe word other than “No” - a very common word used in rougher fantasies. It could easily accidentally be muttered when everyone is enjoying themselves. Pick something that is not likely to be muttered by accident and can’t be confused for something else, e.g. pineapple. A lot of players also use traffic light colours to indicate their comfort level. Yellow could indicate that the submissive is beginning to feel uncomfortable or ‘slow down’. If they want to stop immediately, the word ‘red’ is voiced to stop play.  It’s also important to pick a physical safe word if one is gagged and unable to speak, such as the Submissive tapping a hand twice, or holding up a few fingers. There must always be a way to express if you’ve reached your limit. Don’t be afraid to use your safe word, it’s there for a reason! Some people fall into the trap of being hesitant to put the brakes on because they get too caught up in the moment, want to please their partner/s desires, or see for whatever reason just aren’t feeling it. If you continue playing past the point of your own comfort you risk physical AND emotional distress. Proper communication is essential, and a good Dom will always respect the Sub’s use of a safe word.

Limits

Be it in everyday life or the bedroom, everyone has their limits, and all of these limits need to be heard before BDSM play. Voice any boundaries with your respective partners, and make sure they are understood, e.g. “I’m not comfortable playing in public,” or “Please do not pee on me.” A soft limit is something which may change with the consent of the person stating their wants. They simply may not want to try something at the current time or they haven’t had experience and wish to take it slow. It’s a limit which is not set in stone but needs to be discussed prior to engaging. A hard limit is something that is a definite no-go.  Everyone has different activities and levels they are comfortable with. These limits may change over time, we’re only human! If something has changed in your desires or limits, talk about it and make sure you’re heard.

Equipment

Blindfolds and Hoods

Apart from being sexy as hell, the removal of vision can send your other senses into overdrive. If you’re feeling self-conscious, a blindfold or hood can help take the tension away. If you are a Dominant, not having the Submissive watching your moves will help direct the energy back to the scene. Being a Sub and not being able to see will focus your attention on every sensation the Dom is providing. A lot of couples say that vision impaired sex helps their communication, as they rely on tactile and verbal cues. If you’re in a pinch or want to try it for the first time, a tie or scarf will make a safe, soft blindfold.

Gags

Make sure to never let yourself or another be put in unnecessary danger. If you plan to use a gag, never allow the Submissive’s nose be covered, and never leave a gagged person alone. Common gags are Ball Gags, O-Ring Gags and Bar Gags. Some ball gags are made of a hard plastic and have holes in them, making it easier to breathe through. These will typically cause quicker distress on the jaw that a silicon ball gag, which are one solid ball and have more give. The softer gag will also be more forgiving on the teeth and jaw if you happen to tense your mouth during impact play or an orgasm. O-Ring gags do not restrict breathing but will hinder speech. They are typically made of silicon or metal and fit behind the teeth, keeping the mouth open. Bar gags, or ‘bit gags’ have the advantage of being easier to breathe with and allowing a better level of speech to pass though.

Remember, the larger the gag the more strain will be put on the jaw.

Paddles, Whips and Floggers

The more someone is impacted in the same place, the more sensitive that area will become. Even the lightest spank can cause quivers of pain and delight if delivered properly. Spanking is of course the natural way to test your enthusiasm before trying toys that have more bite. Start off with the fleshy areas before moving onto other parts of the body. Paddles have a larger surface area than whips, so the impact lessened. Floggers can range to an intense stinging, depending on the material. For example, a flogger made of suede will not be as sharp as one made of oiled leather. Whips are on the more extreme end of the spectrum, not recommended for beginners. With any impact play you participate in, make sure not to forget about cleanliness. These toys will likely have contact with sweat, lube, ejaculate, possible blood, spit, as well as genitals.

Enjoy yourself!

This is just scraping the surface of the world of kink. More dynamic relationships and intense toys for all parts of the body exist, the only limit is your imagination. I hope this guide has helped anyone interested in exploring BDSM some new ideas to consider, and toys to fire the imagination.