Enjoying Your Sexuality Through All Stages Of Motherhood.

Modern mothers typically struggle to balance sex and parenting. Sleep deprivation, physical changes, emotional stress, and even our own internal ideas and expectations all influence how we feel sexual desire and arousal.

How often should couples have sex after having kids?

Is it normal to not have sexual desires anymore?

How can I reconnect with my partner?

What if I want more sex and my partner doesn’t?

Many mothers struggle with their sexuality, and it's understandable why. We are taught sex rules since we are young. How various genders should behave and respond to sex, the roles we should play, when and how we should have sex—we are given sex norms before we ever know what they are.

Motherhood comes with a new set of rules. We're expected to satisfy our partner's demands and needs, return to our pre-pregnancy bodies, and be able to dismiss the unseen duties that weigh on our thoughts with the snap of a finger.

Reality frequently appears different. Following childbirth, some mothers experience a loss of sexual desire and fulfilment. Others struggle with their partners' differing sexual desires. Some desire to initiate sex or feel closeness but are unsure how to do so.

Our bodies, minds, and new roles as moms all influence how we see ourselves and experience sexuality. According to what I've heard from others, parenthood sometimes seems to be where sex dies.

But it does not have to be this way. Even as mothers, we may rediscover sexuality and discover new desires and arousals. Women and mothers have long had a difficult relationship with sex. In previous ages, sex was primarily about legitimacy, legacy, and inheritance, all of which were intertwined under a patriarchal society.

However, control over female sexuality has remained, with a presence in contemporary medicine and the way women and mothers experience sex. Pregnancy, delivery, and motherhood all have an impact on sexual behaviour.

After becoming moms, we are subjected to the same virgin/whore dichotomy as before, but with increased expectations of placing our personal needs before of everyone else's. Sexuality and parenting become two intertwined realities that we are expected to perceive separately. Trying to reconcile our expectations with reality may be confusing and difficult.

The Impact Modern Motherhood Has on Sexuality

Motherhood has evolved dramatically over history. Instead of a village, we now face isolation, increased expectations, intense mothering standards, and the myth of the perfect mother. We also have a novel relationship with technology and education, which provides moms with more information than ever before but little advice on their own sexuality. We now have sexual chances that past generations could not have imagined. However, we do not always have the necessary tools to manage them, particularly as moms. The current definition of motherhood is martyrdom, prioritising your spouse's and children's demands before your own, and becoming invisible. When we become moms, our identities alter totally.

So sexual desire is only one of the many things that go from our identities during motherhood—just one aspect of the pressures we face at this stage of our life. Many of my clients have difficulties understanding that their bodies have become a commodity. When they combine it with their own childhood experiences and sex-related demands, they may feel confused, frustrated, and unclear about the purpose of sex in their life.

How Desire and Arousal Change Following Motherhood

Women and mothers are frequently informed how they should have sex, what sort of sex they should want, and what role sex should play in their life. These outdated views about sexuality can impede our communication, expression, and relationship with our own bodies. However, parenting can influence our sexual drive. Mothers frequently lack the time and space to elicit pleasure. Sleep deprivation, unseen duties, and demands to be the perfect mother might prevent us from entering the correct mental state to become aroused.

It is neither rare or abnormal to take time to develop desire. As Sarah pointed out, the concept of spontaneous, immediate sexuality is a pornographic expectation, not based on reality. Sexual arousal takes time.

We also endure physical changes that might be difficult to accept. We live in a "bounce back" culture that wants our bodies to resemble those of non-mothers. Moms may face medical difficulties such as sex discomfort or incontinence, but they are unaware that these issues are not typical and should not be tolerated.

However, because we've been trained to minimise our own needs and dismiss our own experiences, we don't always seek the support we require. We fight with our own expectations, our partner's expectations, and even society's expectations, and the reality may leave us feeling dejected about our sexuality.

We might develop negative sexual patterns when we do not make time for arousal, resulting in a lack of desire. As a result, we may reject sexual advances from our spouse or engage in transactional, functional sexual interactions. Neither of them allows us to break out from that cycle and find our sexual urges.

However, there are methods to rediscover our sexual side and begin a new connection with sex.

How to Reclaim and Embrace Our Sexuality After Becoming Mothers

If we wish to rekindle sexuality, we must provide time and space to build up excitement. That can be difficult as a new mother.

But we may look at what is preventing us from having sexual excitement and desire—whether it's unequal relationships or your views about your own body. According to Sarah's research, the primary variables influencing maternal sexuality are the pressure to be flawless, weariness, and a lack of support.

Sometimes we have to rebuild trust and security with our partners. If trust is broken, we will be unwilling to be vulnerable or put ourselves out there. When we identify our personal hurdles and limitations to sexuality, we may attempt to overcome them.

How Playfulness Can Facilitate Intimacy and Desire

Sometimes we have to be creative with sexuality and attempt to include a sense of fun into the equation. One method to accomplish this is to alleviate some of the strain and expectation surrounding sex. Penetration does not have to be the aim. Fun, fun, exploration, and closeness can lead to sexual desire. Explore your imaginations by using play, costumes, toys, or props. Fantasy may be a nice mental break from the demands of parenthood.

The purpose might be to be fun, open up conversation, and find your new body, sexuality, and connection with your partner—with or without sex.

Six physical techniques for mothers to reconnect with intimacy.

1. Take a minute for yourself. Take a brief and warm shower, lotion up to feel your hands on your body, dance to a tune that makes you happy, or engage in something that makes you feel great.
2. Schedule sex. I know, it's spontaneous, right? However, arranging coupled or solitary sex allows you to plan a party for your libido rather than hoping it would appear after a night of fighting.
3. Concentrate on external stimuli, particularly if penetration makes you apprehensive. Touch your vulva and clitoris to discover what sensations now feel pleasant for you. Add a drop of lubrication to lessen friction.
4. Connect with your partner first. There's no need to rush back into sexual activity. Begin with the personal space between you. Get nude and hang out together. Play cards, gently dance, or embrace each other. Do something that conveys the equivalent of "hey, it's been a day; let's be in this moment together."
5. Remember that the goal is not to achieve orgasm, but to discover sexual pleasure inside oneself. So, explore your own body or become lovers who discover together; this is how we navigate the ebb and flow of sex and parenthood.
6. Use a sex toy. More precisely, an external vibrator. Finding methods to find oneself on the outside is a simple, fun approach to reconnect with your sexuality while also introducing your partner.